- Crocodiles, larger than alligators and more aggressive, can make themselves menaces in certain circumstances. While in their natural habitats, they generally dislike and avoid humans but will sometimes prey on children, especially when left alone in a parking lot, a swamp-side dock, or near an empty station wagon or Ferris wheel. When a mother is working late at the bar and is short on money for childcare, a crocodile may offer free babysitting services. Never accept these services, as these predators are crocodiles in sheep’s clothing. Crocodiles are known for their faux-generosity and gigantic, disingenuous smiles. Indeed, they have enough teeth to fill a full-length keyboard or line the bottom of an average-sized canoe.
- Should you mistakenly let a crocodile into your world, know that you should not, under any circumstances, be alone with them in a room, an alley or any non-public place. And if they ask you to play horsey, know they have an ulterior motive. Ask my sister about this. There is a bureau in the bedroom with a loose, 10-inch kickboard. Crawl under it immediately, and don’t come out ‘til your mother comes home.
- If your mother decides to take the crocodile to Florida on the move, do not stay in the car with him at the rest stops nor take walks together in the woods. A crocodile is always a crocodile. And a crocodile is not an alligator, nor is it a lizard. It’s larger with a longer snout, prefers coastal waters, is nastier, and smells like booze.
- If a crocodile buys you a grape soda from a vending machine in the alley, then leads you by the hand to an empty station wagon and says, “get in,” scream and run. Also, if you see a crow sitting on a crocodile’s head, it is an omen. Listen to it. And lastly, always carry a small sharpened stick in your pocket and go for the eyes.
